Saying yes when you mean no

Would you say you are a people pleaser?

Do you chronically say yes to things and people when actually you mean no?

Do you overcommit and then regret it?

Sound familiar?

Then I'm here to help you hun.

The advice that you didn't know you needed.

Now people pleasing especially for women is super common.

We have been brought up to not rock the boat, comply as that's the role which is given to girls.

But underneath that society conditioning is something deeper and you know me I like to go deep.

There's a need for approval, fear of rejection or a time which has stuck with you where love or safety has felt conditional.

So people pleasing tendencies come into play.

To fit in, to be accepted.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

You see when you people please you think you are helping that other person.

But you aren't.

It's actually harming you, through time and energy spent. It knocks your confidence and your happiness.

It's actually harming them because it's not coming from an authentic place from you.

It's doing them no favours.

So what can you do about it?

Firstly, where I start with all my clients is to get them to look at their values, what's important to them and in what order.

They become the guidelines for decisions.

Next up lets reframe your mindset. 

Saying no is honesty, integrity and authenticity.

It's the best thing, for you as it's coming from those places.

Service over sacrifice, when you actually do what to help then that is so much better than forced sacrifice and I'm sure the person on the receiving end would think like that too.

Now let's build some awareness around what you actually do.

- Who do you do it with?

- What are the circumstances?

- What would be the outcome that you would really like?

Now you express yourself.

Practice saying no.

And then not over explaining yourself.

Keep it short and simple, don't tell any little white lies or exaggerate.

No means no to. Stand firm.

Which is all well and good to say but in practice it's really uncomfortable, it feels really rude and as a chronic people pleaser it will feel completely alien.

So I'm here to say that you need to practice.

You need to sit with discomfort.

You need to be prepared for the awkward silence.

Then you can celebrate saying no.

If you would like further help with this, head over to my podcast Chatting with Cara where I delve deeper in to this and provide real life scenarios about how you can say no confidently.